Soul Searching

Okk, then. Fresh from the oven, i just finished typing up the first part of, well i don't know what to call it really. Too long to be a short story, too short to be a novel. I suppose i can leave that for you to decide.
I actually started writing this for an english homework about 'frienship'. But I kind of got a little carried away, I suppose i could call it a character building exercise before I move onto the real thing now. Anyway, i hope anyone who spares their time to read this enjoys it, and i'd love any comments you'd like to say ^_^

It has a working title of 'Soul Searching'



PART ONE
DIZZY

Scarlett Messenger
English Poetry Homework

The spirit shines in their eyes,
Or rather lack of it,
Their dark disguise.
Svelte movements deemed unworthy of all those earthly.

A sense of calm from them exudes,
But our pain and anguish is theirs to use.
The dark disguise, disguises too
Their source of strength
From human view.

13th October 2009












IMAGES. There are so many images. They linger in my head, flash before my eyes every time I blink, and yet, when I try to chase them I find nothing. I can’t remember anything about them, except the fact that they’re there.
Kieran, please. I’m falling.
I slip closer to the edge every day, things are happening to me, things I can’t control. I plead to empty air, my head is still a barren wasteland. He still won’t talk to me, won’t even look at me. I don’t think I can bare another moment without Kieran.

I sit alone in our English classroom with my head between my knees; silent tears drip down my cheeks and create a pattern of dark dots on the ugly brown carpet beneath my chair.
If I squint it looks like a broken heart.
The end of break bell echoes through my pounding head and I watch as the people lounging on the benches outside the ground floor window- enjoying the global-warming-induced Indian summer- reluctantly start to shrug on their blazers and head off to their next lessons.
I blink furiously to stem the flow of my tears. Soon a class full of rowdy students will occupy this room. I can’t let him see me like this, I just... can’t.
The simple motion of sitting up sends my stomach rolling and I resist the urge to gag, the foul aftertaste to bile still stains my mouth. The pain and nausea gets worse every day but I force myself to come to school. Kieran hasn’t come home in days, it’s the only place I can see him.
The class room starts to fill and I hide my tear stained face behind my long hair. The tears have stopped but my eyes are still res and swollen. The last thing I want is for somebody to make a fuss.
I sense Kieran’s presence before I see him. I glance through my hair to see him standing in the doorway, eyes scanning the room. The only spare seat is his usual one next to mine.
His piercing midnight blue eyes meet mine and they are full of hostility. I turn away.
Seconds later he drops his school bag a little too heavily onto the desk and takes his seat, moving as far away from me as the desk allows.
I watch as Kieran sneezes into a grotty tissue. When Kieran sneezes, it’s like three small sneezes all grouped together. He has dark bags under his eyes and his sand hair is limp and lifeless. It doesn’t make me feel better to see that I’m not the only one suffering.
I don’t know what I did to upset him like this. In all the time I’ve known him Kieran has never, ever, cut me off so deliberately like this.
What could I have done to make him want to hurt me so badly that he would let his own health be affected? Kieran’s my soul mate, but at times like these I understand him less than anyone.
I try, for the thousandth time, to reach out to him with my mind. I test the edges of the wall he’s build between us but, as usual, its flawless surface is impenetrable. No cracks, no weak spots, nowhere for me to prise my way into his mind.
I give up and allow myself to revel in my own misery for a few minutes. I miss feeling his presence in the back of my head so much. Like a guardian angel, albeit a fallen one, I feel so empty it’s painful.
We sit in silence until the teacher enters the room. I put my cheek against the cool surface of the desk. Kieran coughs into his fist and sneaks a Strepsil from his pocket to his mouth is one smooth, well practiced action.
I straighten up and look at him for a long moment. When he answers his name in the register his voice is thick and phlegmy.
I’m overcome by a sudden wave of anger towards him, ripping a page from the back of my book I scribble him a note. He will tell me what’s going on.

Kieran, just talk to me. I don’t know what
I’ve done but I’m sorry. So sorry. Please. I
can tell that I’m not the only one suffering here.

I fold the note twice and grab Kieran’s wrist. He tries to pull away but I anticipate this reaction, my grip is firm. I press the square of paper into his hand and close his fingers around it before releasing him. He exaggeratedly jerks his hand away and I feel what I like to call his ‘speciality death glare’ boring into the side of my head. I struggle to keep an even gaze towards the front of the classroom where our teacher is explaining the syllable patterns of a Haiku.
To my surprise, Kieran unfolds the note and begins to read my words. In truth, I was expecting him to just ignore it like he has every other time I’ve tried to get through to him.
He lets out a frustrated sigh and angrily scribbles a reply on the crumpled paper, before shoving it in my direction and folding his arms across his chest. My heart pounds as a scan his words.

You’re so stupid, Scarlett. Are you out of your mind?
You can’t honestly believe you’ll survive this. Have you any
idea how much pain you would put yourself, put ME through?

I read the note, then read it again, but I can’t find any sense in his words.
Despite its harshness, I still can’t stop the wave of happiness that washes over me as I realize that this note is the first time that Kieran has communicated with me in weeks. I clutch the crumpled piece of paper to my heart. I realize that he has been watching me as he raises his eyebrows and a small smile plays at his lips. For some reason Kieran has always found me hilarious.
For a second all the anger and hostility drain from his ocean eyes and I see the glassy film of ignorance that has settled over them dissolve into the soul beneath.
In that short moment his wall crumbles and I can see the doorway into the Kieran that I have missed so much.
Without thinking I hurl myself towards it. My mental fingertips brush the door handle. I’m almost there.
Then the second ends. Kieran slams his wall back in place twice as thick as before and shoves me back so hard that I cry out loud, cringing away from him in my seat. He glares at me through his sandy fringe, breathing heavily after getting rid of me with such force.
A fresh wave of nausea crashes into me, I close my eyelids and dark eyes stare back at me. Images rise up in front of me, I can’t tell if they are memories or premonitions. Bruises spreading over a pale throat, the orange light of a street lamp through the rain, bed sheets tangled around contorted legs, scream of pain as life ebbs from my fingertips...
I force my eyes open and tears burn down my feverish cheeks. It is only then that I notice that the whole class is staring at us. I hear someone stifle a giggle and others are visibly biting the insides of their cheeks to keep from doing the same.
I drop my eyes to the desk in front of me. The teacher clears her throat and asks,
“Is everything okay back there...?” Clearly more concerned about me disrupting her lesson than what could have possibly caused me to scream out loud.
Kieran mumbles a “Yes Miss,” but I shake my head. My stomach heaves and I clamp my hand over my mouth as it starts to fill with foul tasting bile. My head pounds with the teacher’s objections as I lurch from my seat. I need to get out of here.
Black spots cloud my vision as I stumble through the rows of desks towards the door. People cringe away from me like I’m infected with some contagious disease.


I feel fainter with every step... but I keep going. I only have to make it across the hall. I’m seeing double, thoughts whirlwind around by brain, dark images dance across my eyelids. I can barely concentrate on where I’m going... or why I need to go there.
Left leg right leg move...
Too many doors...
Scarlett...
I can’t see...
Keep going...
I can’t stand...
Black velvet...
Falling...
Gasps...
Darkness...

...Kieran. I’m on the floor; my head hurts... where am I?
Someone bursts into the back of my mind.
He’s here! He’s back! Oh, Kieran’s back. He’s back!
A thousand apologies and feelings and pains and pleas flood my throbbing head as Kieran crumbles his wall for good.
Tears, hot against my feverish skin, run down the sides of my cheeks and into my hair.
The ringing in my ears slowly subsides but my ears are immediately assaulted by a babble of anxious voices. Hands touch my face, my neck, my arms.
“Scarlett? Scarli? Can you hear me? C’mon Scarli, wake up... please? I’m so sorry, so sorry, I didn’t mean...” Kieran chokes back a sob. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He mumbles as he takes my cold hand in both of his.
I don’t want to wake up, I want to go back to sleep. But Kieran is so scared, I can’t leave him like this, with great effort I peel back my eyelids.
The harsh overhead lighting blinds my suddenly sensitive eyes.
I screw them shut again and a small groan escapes my lips. No images, the images are gone.
“Scarlett? Do that again. Open your eyes for me!”
My eyelids flutter open for a second time and I find the light has been blocked out by a blurry shadow looming over me.
I blink a few times and the picture swirls into focus.
My vision is filled by Kieran. His face is open and anxious, Sandy hair flopping into watery eyes. The corners of my mouth twitch into a small smile as I see he has dropped the harsh mask.
Kieran sees this and smiles back at me, but his eyes are full of shame and apology. His guilt and despair pulse through me like an electric current.
I try to sit up but nausea rolls over me once again and I slump back down to the floor.
Kieran’s worry peaks.
“NOnononono. Stay down.” He says soothingly, putting his hands on my shoulders to emphasize his point.
I whimper, my head hurts.
“Shhh. Scarlett. It’s OK. The ambulance will be here soon.” He takes my hand again and squeezes it.
I squeeze back feebly and try to smile at him but my face helplessly contorts as tears well in my eyes again.
As I cry, Kieran’s mood sinks lower and lower. I try to send reassuring thoughts to him but all I can muster is pain, worry, and more tears.
Suddenly I feel as if all my energy has been drained away and it takes all of my concentration to keep my eyelids open. My grip on Kieran’s hand loosens as my muscles relax.
He notices this and leans over me, saying my name anxiously.
I do my best to hold his midnight gaze and stay awake like he is asking me to, but I can feel myself slipping away again.
My eyelids slowly droop closed and I feel my senses draining away, like water down a plug hole as unconsciousness swallows me.

Sasha x