Here's somthing I wrote today. I like the idea of how grief messes with the mind, although I probrably could never say for sure how it feels as I've never lost anyone close to me before.
I don't really know how it ended up becoming so dark. I just thought maybe I could get a feeling of what some of these things are like if I wrote it down.
I'm thinking of maybe expanding this idea into somthing more another time, but I'll show you my intitial ideas first. It's only a first draft so don't expect any masterpieces.
It started with a photo.
The sun finally peeks over the trees and spreads its orangey tendrils of warmth over me. The air smells fresh with the dew of the night and the birth of a new day. I pull the old patch blanket closer around me. It smells wonderful, just like Lucas. His presence is slowly fading from everything else of his I managed to rescue but it’s as if the spidery stitches of the quilt have captured wisps of his soul and are refusing to let them go.
I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the morning sun against them. I stretch out my stiff legs in front of me on the neatly cut grass. Lucas promised me once that we’d watch the sunset in the west, and watch the stars above our heads, and then watch the sun rise in the east. I’ve always wanted to do that.
We never got our chance. I’ve always been so scared of the dark. But with Lucas I felt safer; it took a lot for me to do this tonight. Alone.
I feel better, more peaceful for it.
My eyes still closed, I immerse myself in memories of Lucas. His touch, his presence, his smell. And he’s here. With me, curled up in the blanket on the lawn of his house that his parents have long abandoned for a new life where no one knows about what they’ve lost.
The garden is neat and clean and new, just like the first day I ever came here. I don’t know who’s keeping it, but they’re doing good job.
I can feel Lucas’ warmth beside me now, his arm around my waist, holding me closer. We watch the sun rise in a comfortable silence, content in each other’s presence. This is how it should be, two young people with two young lives spread out before them, golden ribbons of light intertwined in the moment.
My eye lids are so heavy, they droop and I rest my head on his shoulder. I’ve got to stay awake, got to finish the sunrise. Lucas’ Sunrise. Lucas’ voice in my ear, his warm breath tickling my neck. A whisper so soft, so as not to break the spell of the sun. Not even the birds dare to disrupt the beauty of the morning.
That wasn’t so hard.
“I had you.”
I can’t protect you forever.
“I know.”
One step at a time.
“I don’t want to move on. I want to keep you”
I’m not good for you.
“You’re the best for me.”
You know what I mean. You can’t waste your life on a dead boy.
“I’m not wasting my life with you. I’m happy like this.”
Are you?
“Yes. You’re here, that’s all I need.”
Am I here, Jessa?
“Yes, you’re here, I can feel you. You’re so warm, and my skin tingles where I touch you, and....”
He’s not here. I’m alone. My mind, I’m going crazy. He seems so real. He is real. But then he’s not. Lucas comes and goes and comes and goes and I live for the moments I steal with him. But every time he’s here, he’s telling me that he isn’t. He’s telling me to move on. He’s saying my name over and over in my ear and using words like free and flight and I don’t know what he means. I have no interest in life without Lucas.
I open my eyes and squint in the sunlight. The sky is a beautiful, deep blue. Another lovely day.
God I miss him so much. For every moment of content I manage to grasp, two more come where I feel the hole that Lucas left so sharp the only way to relieve the pain is to drag the knife across skin and let the sting and the well of blood overwhelm me.
Tears spill down my cheeks, into the soft fabric of Lucas’ quilt. I can never let him go, I just can’t. I realise this and no matter what he tells me, I can’t live without him any longer.
I’ve seen my sunset. I’ve seen my sunrise. I count the small scars on my arms and wrists, none deep enough to kill me, none deep enough to put me at rest. I’ve made up my mind and I don’t want to live any more.
I stand up, letting the quilt fall from my shoulders, exposing my thin white dress, damp where the nights dew has settled. More scars on my thighs. One for every day I’ve lived without Lucas.
I reach into the one of the small pockets of my dress and feel the cool metal of the penknife. Flicking open the blade I press it to my thumb and allow the blood it brings to well on my fingertip. I press the cut to the dress over my heart and allow the romance red stain to spread over the delicate fabric.
One last slash to the leg. Thirty one and I’ve made my choice. Lucas winces inside my head. I do not. I no longer feel the pain of my feeble efforts to distract myself.
I drop the knife to the ground and feel the warm trickle of blood down my leg.
My hand goes to my other pocket, the one that contains the sleeping pills I was prescribed to help me sleep after Lucas died. I’m going to sleep forever.
Thirty one days I lasted without you, Lucas. But I can last any longer. Thirty one days, thirty one scars, thirty one pills.
I rattle the pills in their little white container, the sudden noise startles a bird in a nearby tree and I hear the urgent snapping of its wings as it makes its escape.
I stand for a few more seconds, taking in the peaceful dawn, the dewy grass beneath my toes, the slight breeze that raises goose bumps on my bare arms and legs.
Suddenly I’ve had enough. Enough of this world. I can’t stand how it mocks me with all its beautiful things, even when I’m too numb to appreciate them.
I spread out Lucas’ quilt on the grass and Lie down on my back, looking up at the sky. I crack open the lid of the container and line the pills up on my stomach. I’ve been saving them for this day.
One
Two
Three
Four
My throat’s dry and at first it’s hard to swallow, but every pill brings me closer to Lucas.
Don’t do this Jessa.
Five
Six
Seven
Eight... Nine, Ten.
I’m getting impatient now.
Listen.
One by one the pills go down until I’m holding one tiny white cylinder in my palm. I can already feel the effects of thee drugs kicking in. My head is spinning, My stomach rolls. And yet I feel strangely happy.
One last step.
JESSA!
Down it goes.
I drift in and out of consciousness on the grass. Am I dying? Is this what it feels like? A couple of times my stomach rolls violently, but I manage to keep the poison down. Letting it seep into my veins until I know I’m beyond repair.
Then suddenly, Lucas is there. Clearer than I’ve ever seen him. He kneels over me with tears in his eyes.
Why Jessa?
I don’t have the energy to move, to speak, so I just smile lucidly at him.
You have to live, they always live. You’re meant to go on and live a normal life and be happy. They always do Jessa. When you read your books, they’re happy! You’re meant to find someone else, you’re meant to...
This is the most I’ve heart Lucas talk since he died, on the road outside his house, metres away from where I lie.
Ghostly tears patter onto my stained dress as Lucas touches my cheek. My chalky cheek. My eyelids are so heavy, this is it, I can feel it.
I don’t fight the sleep as it overcomes me, I welcome it. Peace. So peaceful. My senses are slowly draining away, and as I seem to slip out of being I am left with one last ghostly whisper ringing in my lifeless ears.
I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment